Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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