i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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