I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
