He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
