So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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