i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Your cock deserves a montage
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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