So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
