I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
