dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
