I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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