True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Did I show you my penis last night?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
