Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
