I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
time to smoke my breakfast
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
