Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
