dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
