I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
