It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
