I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
