mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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