This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
