i just google imaged poop.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
