I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
