somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
