I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
