: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
