You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
