I accidentally burped into my bong.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
