Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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