so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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