Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have tasted many bathrooms
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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