I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
