Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
