i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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