Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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