Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
