Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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