My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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