you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My cat gives me a boner
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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