I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
