"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
