I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Randomize
