I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
