Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Your penis caused this!
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