yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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