theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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