I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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