I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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