That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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