I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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