We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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