my shit smells like andre
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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