I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
